So ashamed

So Ashamed....jpg

I never realized just how ashamed I’ve been feeling. 

Or maybe I didn’t let my self be aware of the shame?

Because the painful revelation I had last night showed me exactly what I’ve been doing to hide the shame from myself. 

The lack of certainty I’ve had over the past few years has been pretty huge. And then this wild leap I've been trying to make from full-time musician/professor/composer to direct response copywriter kicked the uncertainty into overdrive!

I’ve been on the cusp of big things for several months. My amazing business mentors have been showing me the acres of diamonds all around me. Things I couldn’t see myself. But things that excite me and help me see the way forward.

I get all pumped with a plan to launch a product or a program or an event… and then the mother-effing cloud of uncertainty descends and blast my brain to oozing little bits of gooo. 

I cycle back through all the doubt, all the fear of another failure, and all the physical and emotional soul blasting pain I’ve been through. 

But what’s even worse than all that is how I feel about what I’ve put my little family through. 

All the struggles of grad school, of mounting debt, of running off to Europe for 9 months to complete an education that ended up costing me ridiculous amounts of debt and even more pain from being fired from the job I got afterwards. And then failing to do my #1 most important thing in life… provide for family in a way that makes me feel like the confident, successful man I strive to be. 

So much uncertainty. I carry it around with me constantly. And the resulting shame flooding through me last night as I realized how I’ve been damning my own way forward because of this heap of head trash I’ve been holding onto. Dang, that was a real low!

As I sat in my hotel room feeling like a big pile of worthlessness… my wife texted me.

She told me how sad our baby has been since I left on this trip to San Diego.

Janae told me how 2-year-old baby Katherine moaned and groaned and cried all the way home from the airport. How she kept going to my closed office door at home looking for me. Banging on the door to let her in so she could see me.

And then something magical happened…

As I sat wallowing in blinding uncertainty… the poisonous kind of uncertainty that starts in one area of life and spreads faster than any plague to every part of life… it suddenly, palpably, magically... burned away.

The love my little baby Katherine feels for me and all the feelings I feel for her and the rest of family in return… that was the magic potion… that was the fire that burned away the uncertainty. 

All of it.

In an instant.

What is uncertain in my life? 

2 seconds ago…? EVERYTHING!

Now?

My. Family. Loves. Me.

What else do I need?

Nothing.

What does it mean to me?

EVERYTHING!

Love conquers all.

All my fear. All my uncertainty.

Why?

Because no matter what happens… or how many times I fail… or how terrified I get to try something new because of a nonexistent potential future failure…

Baby Katherine loves me. And so does little Claire. And Corynne. And Zach. And Aubrey. And Janae… somehow… still… after all the crap I’ve put her through.

And it’s palpable. 

“You are protected in short by your ability to love!” … said Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter.

Now I get it. Now I feel it. I think I’ve taken it for granted all this time.

“Wuuhv… Twoooo wuuhv…”

…sorry, a little Princess Bride

So now… what am I going to do?

I’m going to take these amazing opportunities and ideas and possibilities by the horns and GO FOR IT!

And I’ll probably fail on the way. For sure!

But I’m going to fall back on the rock solid foundation of that alchemical mind/body/soul transformational elixir of love that poured into me at the thought of my baby loving me as much as she does.

That’s my new bassline. 

And as today is the birthday of the greatest composer of all time, my musical hero, Johann Sebastian Bach, I’m going to build a monstrous Oratorio of life on top of this bassline. 

And when I hit a few wrong notes… I’m going to keep going… I’m going to learn from them… I’m going to stop stopping… I’m going to keep going… I’m going to add light to the world… 

I’m going to use the gifts God has given me by birth, by opportunity, through my education, through my experience, through the guidance of mentors and friends…

And I’m going to let this light shine. I’m not going to hide it under the bushel of my uncertainty any more. 

I’m going to do what I can to give light and play the “infinite game” instead of the pity-party finite game I’ve been playing.

Ok… done… needed to get that off my chest.

And so let me ask you… how are you giving light to the world?

Because when the winds and the waves kick up and swirl around you, you need something to calm the storm. 

I’m finally realizing that it’s the foundation of love that calms life’s storms.

I believe that’s where Jesus got his power to calm physical storms. 

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son…

Whether you believe the religious side of that or not… this love thing is pretty da-gone powerful.

I’m gonna hold onto that. 

I hope you have a great day… full of light and love… the kind of love you can always count on. 

Doug

Douglas PewComment